So I think I'm beginning to like the person I once was more so than the person I am now, which is extremely sad if you think about it. The innocence allowed me to smile more, laugh more...love more. I feel numb. Hahh. Dear God, I need to grow. If i get stuck here in this place...I don't know. Send the rain, send the pain. Whatever it takes to encounter you once again. I can't keep going like this.

the frustration that follows his silence is pure agony. WORD OF GOD SPEAK!

So pray. Pray that i get the job but only, if that's what you want...

family. when i look at them that's what i think of. I've never had friends i could be so comfortable with. it's astounding and completely by the grace of God.

i got in to the american poetry class YAY! God is good. Your turn Josh. =]

Is sad about missing cc concert especially cause matt redman will be playing too wah!

I'm so full and totally in sgv right now haha too bad

YAY!

O.O

Welcome two new members to the family! One yesterday. One today. =] Dude the fighting is getting intense. We win these battles. Now for the war.

TCG

Let's make a card game =]

let's see bang+yugioh+magic=????

a huge headache haha

dude it'd be so cool if we could make it work somehow

today

today was amazing. i don't think anything like this has happened in a while. hahh. but my emotions are like all over the place hahh. well kinda. mostly under control now. yayyy video games. my freakin' buffer zone hahh. how sad. hahh yup. man he's totally grown up now. i'm glad. there really is seriously a future for us then. i think. i hope. i know. he's not done with me yet. not here. not now. i think i really need to make a decision. really seriously. i can't keep hiding behind other peoples' decisions. gotta grow up. it's not just about this family anymore. it's so much more than that. i just gotta figure out what's best...and maybe figure out where everyone else stands. hahh then again maybe it's best not to ask right now. look what it did to me. hahhhhh

My Struggle

That sickening spiral that seductively sucks me in silently. My source of suffering, my sadness, my sublime security. Soothing? No, more like scarring. Oh to set my sights solely on my Savior. My surrender and ultimately my salvation.

Me Vocaste Scribendo

Odd that I would want to write this when I'm suppose to be writing my paper. You would think that writing itself holds no fascination for me at this point. I suppose this very words are a testament to the untruth of that previous statement. And yet here, this comma, this word, this very l-e-tter...all have some unspeakable connection with my being. Theirs is a beauty I cannot explain and so I shall not. Instead I will write. I will write because me vocaste scribendo. I will write. So arise my soul, take joy in the task laid before you. Glory awaits. Arise take up your fictitious pen. Here I close with a . but elsewhere I shall not close. Nor will you be able to close me. My words will echo forever. Arise my breathen, my dear sisters. Papers await. Let us not think them to miniscule to not shake the world with.

Cheers

Three years now. There's still so much to learn and yet looking behind me, finally, finally I see some small distance between me and the starting line. Yayy. Baby steps but steps nonetheless. Looking ahead there's a long ways to go, but that's okie. It just means all the more room for me to grow. =]

So cheers. To the people in my life who've helped me to get where I am. I love you guys and I hope you'll keep running with me.

1, 2, 3 A Lesson for Me

1. There's something intensely humbling about realizing your own selfish desires. It's strong enough to make me forget that just a moment ago I wanted to cry.


2. There's something wholly calming about knowing that you're forgiven even before you ask. It's strong enough to heal this broken heart.


3. There's something utterly astounding about the love behind it all. It's strong enough that nothing else matters.

Whose dream?

"When I grow up I'm going to make a video game!"

"Haha. Well ok. You should make a game that is glorifying to Him though."

"What...?"

"Why not? All the games you play are so violent, ugh, I don't like them."

"But that's too hard..."

"Well you just gotta try."


Her words stayed with me, from then until now. Her suggestion became my desire. My desire became my passion. My passion became my dream. Hahh, but as with all things that we silly mortals hold on to, refusing to let go even if it threatens to drag us to the grave, my dream was shattered.

Well, not really. Just that my dream became but a desire once more and his dream, his plan, is now my overwhelming passion. My dream is what he reveals.

Hahh but anyway. They make me happy.

Lamplight Media LLC I thank you and completly support you. Your dream was once mine and God willingly could possible be once again, but until then...Keep up the good work, fight the good fight, run the good race. Maybe our paths will cross, maybe some day we'll understand this bigger picture buisness, maybe, one day, but if not, I'll see you at the finish line. Cheers.

On Blake

I'm not sure if I agree with everything Blake says...I'm not even sure if I understand what he says more than half the time, but I think he's dead on for at least these lines, taken out of context:

"He who sees the Infinite in all things sees God. He who sees the Ratio only sees himself only. Therefore God becomes as we are, that we may be as he is." - William Blake

[edit]So that was then, this is now. Hahh. Antinomianism they call it; it's more like a mouthful of letters and not much else. Supposedly this movement was influenced by a literal reading of the New Testament. Interestingly, the above quote of Blake's only makes sense when taken out of context. In the same way that he took the Word out of context I suppose. Ironic no?

Home (n.)

1. One's own dwelling place; the house in which one lives; esp., the house in which one lives with his family; the habitual abode of one's family; also, one's birthplace.

• Where I live? You could say that. There's definitely a part of me that only seems to come alive in that setting.
• Where I live with my family? I would like to say so.
• Habitual? Unfortunately I think for many of us, it is very much so.
• My birthplace? Yes, it was. I was born there on April 9th, 2006 and to be honest I'm darn proud of my humble beginnings.

2. One's native land; the place or country in which one dwells; the place where one's ancestors dwell or dwelt.

• Native? You bet. I was raised in that house and my parents lived there and still do. I think that's a big part of it. I've always thought about this and everytime I've come to the same conclusion. There's no way (unless maybe location dictated so) I would dwell in a different home. What would that say about our family relationship? About our home? I need to show the world that I choose to stay in the same household because I support those who have come before me and because I want to partake in the burden of the cross alongside them. It is the least I can do for those who gave me life.

3. The abiding place of the affections, especially of the domestic affections.

• Hah.
  


• Jk. I love you guys. Really.
  

4. The locality where a thing is usually found, or was first found, or where it is naturally abundant; habitat; seat; as, the home of the pine.

• Where something is usually found...you mean like me? every weekend? or did you mean Him?
• Where something was first found...home. I found a home there, for the first time, after wandering my whole life. I didn't even realize I was looking for it. I guess you could say it found me.
• Where something is naturally abudant? Joy. And fustration, I'm not gonna lie. But I'm thankful for it all.

Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary

A Book By Its Cover

A worn and torn Bible falling apart at the seems?

• There's a relationship with quite a history behind it. It might have been through a few fights or maybe have been passed from generation to generation or perhaps it's more of a one sided love.

A brand new leather bound, fresh-book-smell Bible?

• That's a relationship just waiting to happen or an old one being renewed.

A carefully underlined, highlighted, written-in margined Bible?

• Here's a relationship that's that not one sided, at least on the surface.

A fat, overweight Bible with multiple translation versions, numerous maps, and a hefty concordance (not to mention those other handy dandy hundreds of extra pages made for the serious scholar)?

• So that's what dedication looks like!...Let's hope it's not just for show.

A dreadfully awful looking dead thing with miscellanous scraps of duct tape, super glue, fortune cookie tape, and other forms of homemade rebinding?

• That's love.

The Fishbowl

"Mommy! Mommy! Look at the fishy! It's so funny looking!"

"Gee...thanks kid."

Life in the fishbowl. It's not fun, well not for most people, and it's definitely not private.

Politicians, movie stars, pro sports players, artists, singers, muscians, inventors, any public figure, speaker, or anyone of reknown. They've all been subject to it...the fishbowl.

Few that enter the fishbowl ever come out of it, though for the moment they might have fewer viewers. Only the courageous enter in the fishbowl by choice. Pho's father was one of those people, the courageous ones. He was and is a pastor. It's a life he choose and it was a choice that would affect the rest of his family the moment he made it.

Thus, pho was born in it, the fishbowl. She tasted the stale water (that had been sitting there long enough to build up calcium deposits) before she tasted the living water. She knew what it was like to swim through a ring of fire and do a 'loop de loop' in order to please the crowd. She felt the migranes as children and sometimes overly enthusiastic adults poked (or pounded) at the glass. She felt feelings of queasiness as she found herself stupidly following the fingers on the other side of panes.

Being a pastor's kid or PK is something you either love or hate. For those PKs who say they don't love or hate their role, well then, either they're lying or they haven't figured it out yet.

It took pho 18 years to figure it out and it wasn't until she did figure it out that she woke up. Woke up to the benefits for such a life. Woke up to the power and responsibility of living life in that fishbowl. Woke up to the war that we're in. Woke up to see her own capability and skills. Woke up to the joys that he offers and the reality of his love.

Being in the fishbowl. It always comes with a choice. Just like life. Either you enter it or you don't. Either you embrace it or you don't. I don't know about the former, but for the latter...there's only one choice that'll bring true happiness and peace.

It's a War

"It's a war Claire, a war."

Pho told me she said that to one of her friends before, refering to the spiritual struggle that we're all a part of. It's a funny thing. I've noticed that pho seems to be at her best when the fighting is the hardest, when the swarms of enemies are the thickest. It seems that under pressure it's easier for her to focus on what's important and it's easier for her to prioritize her time to take care of what matters. When time is of the essence who among is doesn't all the more remember what is most precious, what is most worthy of our attention, what are the things or people we actually care about in all this world.

I guess for her, the enemy has developed a new form of weaponry. It is called...Christmas break. Besides leading worship and fellowship, there's not much else she has to worry about. There is something alluring about not having to worry about anything. Especially on that Monday morning when she has just finished with another weekend, another worship session finished, another rehersal down.

"It seems that when I have the most time, I end up spending the least time with God. The irony is, I know it's a war. Nothing has changed, but I can't help but allow myself to fall into the illusion of a temporary truce, when nothing is farther from the truth."

The Secret to Success

"The secret of success is consistency of purpose." - Benjamin Disraeli

"Success is a journey, not a destination." - Ben Sweetland

I don't know what kind of background these two men have had. I don't even know if they're still alive. In fact, I found their words on wrapping of two bars of soap (what interesting things hotels offer o.O). I can only take a guess that these two men said those words after having struggled and battled through life trying like the rest of us to grasp success. What they actually acheived I have no idea. I only know that behind their words I recognized truth and insight. Interestingly enough however, pho made a comment about success to me the other day. I don't particularly recall how the subject was brought up, but what struck me about what she said was how she seemed to blend the words of these two men together, binding them with the fabric of her own experiences.

Do you want to know what she told me?

"I'll tell you a secret. It's the secret to success. Whatever you do, do it for Him. If you do that then you'll make it...and if you don't make it, it won't matter because by then if you have truly tried to do everything for Him then you will have realized that in order to do so you must do His will and not your own. Once you realize that and once you embrace it, it is in that moment that you actually, quote on quote, make it. It doesn't matter whether you get accepted into that prestigious university, it doesn't matter whether you land that promotion or that job, it doesn't matter if you can or cannot met the bills. Why? Because by then your trust in Him and your willingness to submit to His will...no not submit...but to embrace His will until it is wholy and utterly your own, will far outweigh how much you care about what actually happens to you. Your standards are replaced by His and the moment that happens you already have gained success. The rest as they say, is just minor details. Minor details that I for one am happy to leave to my Father to take care of while I His child enjoy my life. Heh, my successful life that is." - pho

I couldn't agree with her more.

Dedication

To Him

who gave her life
who gave you life and
who brought us together

Title Page

The Girl Whom Jesus Loved


by
Afriend Ormore